The Infamous Beer Run

There’s a Vons grocery store in Vegas on Windmill and Pecos, I used to work their when I was 16 through 17 as a bag boy. I got fired for taking a protein bar, because I wanted to see if it was better tasting then the protein bar I already had, fucking MET-RX bar. I know, I’m a fucking retard but its stupid shit like that, that leads me to the really stupid shit I like to call: The Infamous Beer Run…

It was your usual Saturday night in Vegas, somebody’s parents were out of town and that meant house party. It just so happened that my buddy’s mom was gone so we’re having it at his house and this means I have a place to crash so I can really get fucking wasted. The night’s going good everybody’s having fun getting drunk and whatever. The party’s dying down and we're running out of beer so someone suggest Beer Run. I scream out “I’ll fucking do it” two of my other friends say “I’m in” so we jump in my buddy’s car and head up the street to Vons.

It’s now like two a.m. and there are no cars in the parking lot so my friend drops us off in front and goes around back to park by the emergency exit doors. We tell him five minutes and we’ll be out the back, so don’t fucking leave. The three of us walk in, now when three drunk ass teenagers walk into an empty grocery store at two in the morning trying to act nonchalant employees are going to notice. We being the drunk idiots that we are think nobody’s watching and everything’s fine. So we walk straight to the wine and beer section and start strategizing “Ok, we each grab four eighteen packs and then sprint towards the emergency doors”. We grab the beer and we all start running for the doors, but as I’m running I see a six five three hundred pound tweaked out employee shout Stop! Stop! I, being the nice drunk kid that I am decide to stop for some reason as my friends run past saying “come on, come on, what are you fucking doing”?

I’m frozen still; I don’t know why I’m not running and why I’m standing here waiting to get caught. It’s like I’m in a trance, until all of a sudden I feel my arm being grabbed and see the crazy look on this huge employees face shouting at me “think you can steal from me” over and over again. Finally I snap back into it and start with my bullshiting techniques saying “I wasn’t going to steal anything I was just getting some beer and some kids ran by me ,why do you think I stopped when you said stop”. I told him and showed him I had money and kept on saying I was going to buy this beer and I don’t know who those punks were. He’s not buying it and takes me to the manager in the corner by the front of the store.

The manager comes over with two employee’s one guy and one girl. They stand around me asking me who my friends are and what my name is. I tell them my name and I don’t know who those other kids were, I was just getting some beer. They ask for I.D. and I say sorry I don’t think so. They say that’s ok we’ll just wait for the cops to get here and they’ll find out for us. Now I’ve been to jail, the holding tank whatever you want to call it a couple of times and it’s not fun. So now I have it maid up in my mind that I’m not going to jail tonight no matter what and it’s time for plan B.

I start thinking what I can do or say to get out of this. We’ll I tried talking and that didn’t work so I guess that means running. The big tweaker had left back to breaking down boxes or whatever that fucking asshole does so that left the manager and two employees. Its two guys and one girl between me and three hundred feet away emergency exit doors to freedom. I need to tie my shoes if I’m going to run out of here so I ask if I can use the bathroom, they say no. Fine so I start tying my shoes anyway and kind of stretching my legs for my get away. Right as I’m getting ready, two of my friends walk in from the party and buy some chips and soda. This makes the girl employee have to walk over and sale them the food. Here’s my chance, I take a deep breathe and take off.

The guys heads are turned and I bust right threw them with ease. I know the aisles pretty good from when I worked here before. Forgetting how drunk I am still, I get ready to take my first left, when all of a sudden I slide like a cartoon character on one foot that can’t stop and the only thing stopping me is big ass metal shelves. My shoulder and stomach collide straight into the shelves causing all the items to go everywhere and dropping me to the ground. I take off running again only this time a box boy tries to stop me, he stutter steps and I knock him down spinning me three hundred sixty degrees into more metal shelves. I collide with these shelves using my face causing me to fall down again. I get up and I can see the exit doors only a hundred feet away. I start sprinting as fast as I can, a little too fast, I’m almost to them when bam! My legs give out from underneath me and I slide on my knee caps what seems like twenty feet on that nice hard tile floor sending me to the ground, I’m done.

What I didn’t know at the time was that when I made my move and started taking off for the exit doors two cops were walking in. To the police officers it looked like I was running from them so they took off after me with me not knowing. I found this out ten seconds later after hitting the floor, lying on the floor. I get a knee to the back, arms behind my back and shouting “why’d you run, why are you running”? Then one of the officers says “stop, stop”! Son, don’t move your right arm, lye still. As I turn my head left to lye my face on the floor, a river of blood starts running down my face into my mouth. As I try to talk to the cops I keep spitting blood out my mouth with every word I say. A lady shopper walks down the aisle shocked to see me lying there, I tell her ”the ketchup’s on the other fucking aisle” I then start laughing, the cops say “that’s enough”.

I lye there for awhile and then they sit me up against a shelf, waiting for the paramedics to arrive. I don’t tell the cops much except I wasn’t running from them I didn’t even see them come in. They’re being reasonable and I’m being very respectful. I learned over the years when your finally caught, still always take it to the grave but be respectful and polite while doing it. I took the ambulance ride to the hospital and waited to get stitched up and fill out a police report. The funny thing was the arresting officers were there yet and everybody in the hospital thought I had been stabbed and cut in a knife fight. When I tried to tell them what really happened they didn’t believe me and said to not worry and to tell us who did this to you. The doctors and nurses were nice to me, even took pity on me until the arresting officers showed up and confirmed my story.

I told the officers the truth about me but only gave first names so my story didn’t get confusing, they can’t do anything with first names and it’s a good way to look like you’re telling the truth. No charges were pressed at that time and were told never to return to Vons again. So I hobbled out of the hospital with my face, shoulder, and stomach stitched up, arm in a sling, busted knee caps in all, and got helped into my buddy’s truck at eight in the morning. As my friend laughs in disbelief, I looked at him and said “well buddy, just another night growing up Vegas”. Then I told him the story and we laughed the whole car ride home.


THE END